*Sigh.*

Tofu Shirataki noodles are not good. There's no other way to say it. They are noodles made from tofu, water, yam flour, and calcium hyrdoxide, also known as slaked lime (this additive isn't evil, trust me). Traditional (read: real) Shirataki are thin, translucent noodles made from Konjac (affectionately referred to as Devil's Tongue), a root found in Eastern Asia and Japan. I've cooked them on three occasions, and I simply give up. Normally, I'm much more persistent. Normally, I love anything to do with tofu. Normally, I try things over and over again until I create something that I could serve to another human being without accompanying it with a suicide note. But not this time. I have prepared these squiggly turds in three different ways. The first attempt, I cooked them exactly as the package indicated, by parboiling and then finishing them in the pan in a sauce. On the second attempt, I tried using them as if they were real Shirataki, in a one-pot soup. Gently afloat in dashi, I really had high hopes for this one, but they were for naught. This time around, I strained them right out of the package and into a hot stir-fry.

The problem was the same in all three instances. These little worms are just damn gummy. They are chewy and unpleasant. On top of that, they don't look or taste particularly good. In fairness, I've been using House Foods brand, If you know a better maker, please let me know. I'll try anything four times.
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Yeah, okay, so I put some toasted sesame oil in a screaming hot pan. Then, I guess I added one tablespoon of minced garlic and one of ginger. I suppose you could say that when that stuff became aromatic, I added 1/2 an onion (julienned) and 2 carrots (peeled and julienned). After a minute of tossing that around, I added some sliced shiitake caps, but it's like whatever. I think I added, like, 2t of soy sauce, 1T of lime juice, 1t of Sriracha, 1/4t of turmeric, 1/4t of cumin, a pinch of salt, and a pinch of pepper, but you know. I mean, fine. I pushed everything out of the way, leaving a crater in the middle of the pan so the liquid could reduce quickly, then I tossed it all together and served it over some delicious brown jasmine rice. Ugh.




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